Oops I did it again...

Oops I did it again….  That’s the first thought that enters my mind a month ago after booking my plane ticket.  At least my journeys and their journals continues I think… and though the space of continually sharing myself makes me feel vulnerable I am pulled to carry on. Just as I am to love, and love, and love. And share, and share, and share. So, yes I’m getting on a plane today, being New Years Eve Day December 31^st, 2010.  It’s heading to Los Angeles for a week of fun in the sun, or wait it’s going to be mild and wet, all good!  This trip was inspired by my heart once again, albeit this time it was just more of a gentle push to leave town. 

There are lovers content with longing.

I’m not one of them.

-Rumi

As I walk through the airport, half asleep and exhausted from moving the past two days back into my house on the sunshine coast I remember last year this time. I was excited with the anticipation of my first promise of love at the beginning of last year.  (Note: I continue to not use names and though I’m open to sharing I feel as an “emerging blog writer” I would need to respectfully write… “and the names have been changed to protect the innocent J” so I’ll continue as is.)  Last NYE was the beginning of me being unreasonable, fully self expressed and playing full out and asking for what I wanted… all very NEW to me especially in the world of intimate relationships. I mean I’m slightly nicknamed Wonder Woman for my highly independent lifestyle and accomplishments however I’ve discovered my full self expression (which also means I experience peace when I am) is to give love to another and receive.

So, back to my initial thought “Confetti” haha! for those that get that!

 … As I walk through the airport I think of last year and the man who only 3 days earlier we created spending new years together in Whistler and what was to begin our G2 summit as we “named it.”  Both our last names start with G. This year we were going to celebrate again together with the possibility of our own true loves with us.  He has found his, I have not. As this enters my mind I walk past a departure gate with the name of his current home city on it. I find my immediate following thoughts are of forgiveness and love. And so I’ll share that with him today. We had a lot of fun that weekend and the months that followed and I got my wish of having a loving relationship with a man where we spend weekends and weeks together, met his family and got up to big things too.  And I share with you, as I often have with myself, that I did have a loving relationship this year and though it didn’t end up in “being in love” and “being together” I am now focused and present to what I have had AND not what I have not had. 

There is a quote that says the

“true meaning of happiness is not having what you want

 but wanting what you have”

I continued to open myself up and saw glimpses of what’s out there. I’ve opened myself up to another and I’m learning that vulnerability is to do just that, keep opening yourself up. I discovered that my version of being vulnerable was to open up and then “run away”… which looks like pushing them away, running away, shutting down, stop sharing or booking a ticket and flying somewhere else. So in an inquiry with some friends the resounding definition of vulnerability was to open up, don’t go anywhere, and open up some more.  Ummmmm, okay that feels well, vulnerable? I thought I was because I’d open, hide, open, hide… oohhhh a very different discovery to me. Thanks for Maria for yet again pointing that one out to me as if with a sharp object. Ouch! So, more to come in the New Year on this one J

Until then I’m on another “journey and their journals” adventure. And for the record I don’t want to share, feel content in writing this and not posting on the world wide web and yet, it’s a new exploration to keep well, opening up. Don’t worry I cherish private things held like a jewel for just those that know about it, and those things are under lock and key.

What I do want to share, as it may inspire or be a window for others, is what I’m discovering as I get the travel for me now more too. I was asked a long time ago by a therapist who worked with highly sensitive people and did dream analysis, very cool work… “what activities I enjoyed where I didn’t think?”  I named a few things I enjoyed doing and the one that stood out at the time was cooking. He said, “what do you think about?” I paused. I could think about anything I thought about when I cooked. He said, “good, because you likely don’t think, so do that and be aware that it is a form of therapy for you and take that time to clear your head.” Many people have these activities such as running, or dancing, or composing music.  There are therapeutic activities meant to assist you in processes thoughts and ideas. Others are meant to stop the processing and let you just be, and from there a whole newness emerges. Another way to say this is it can move from thinking with the head to thinking with the heart.

As I sat on the plane watching the landscape pass below, as we landed and the bustle of another city surrounded me, as I settle in … I get that travel is another way I get outside my head and back into the world of “just being.”  That’s newly powerful to me today! My thoughts disappear, my head clears, I’m present to myself, my body and what’s around me. In that space I get connected again. Today is the last day of 2010 and I’m creating a ritual for completion, connection and generous acknowledgement. At midnight I’ll bring in the intention of being light hearted and unleashed for 2011 !! 

Till then… Happy New Year Everyone! xo